Why would someone choose celibacy instead of marital bliss? Don’t you think you’ll be lonely being single for the rest of your life? Don’t you know the Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22 NKJV)?
You want favor, don’t you?
The list of questions and comments I’ve heard goes on and on…
I will tell you what happened in my journey of preparing myself for marriage, funny stories of me pursuing women, what led up to me talking with God about marriage, what God said to me when I chose celibacy, the bad and good things that happened afterward, and answer some questions I commonly get asked.
I had several girlfriends throughout my life, even as far back as Kindergarten. I adored my first for 7 years. I bought the magic markers from the Frosted Flakes cereal that wrote in invisible ink and passed her notes that she could reveal later. If the teacher asked for it, they would see the paper didn’t say anything.
LoL! I was clever.
Then one day, my family and I moved away…
Well, that ended that romance.
Girlfriends came and went. Unfortunately for everyone involved, I didn’t know how to love like Jesus then. I told myself that I would work to become a better me. I wanted to prepare myself as a gift for my future wife. I wanted to be the perfect husband.
What I Did to Train to Be the Perfect Husband
I trained very hard. I had a job doing manual labor when I was 5 (the family business). My parents taught me how to save and invest when I was very young.
I learned good manners from my mom and earthly dad. Mom taught me social graces and being gentle, and dad taught me things like holding doors open for women and the elderly, paying for dinners, and good work ethics.
I worked at being healthy nearly all of my life. I started working out when I was 5.
“Why that young,” you ask?
My earthly dad stood in the doorway then and asked if I wanted to know a secret. My eyes were fixed upon him, and he said, “Kevin, women like big muscles.” Then he flexed.
That is the real reason why I started working out at such a young age. I can still picture it.
I became a big health nut.
Fast Forward to My Twenties…
I learned massage therapy, successfully passed my National Board, was licensed, and I was never without friends to practice on. One of my friends said that I had “magic hands.”
People on the massage table asked me to marry them. We were taught that clients will say crazy things during a session, and just to laugh it off.
Although I pursued this for a job, I thought for sure this would seal the deal for my future wife. What wife would hate to have a husband that knew massage therapy?
Perhaps there’s a couple out there, but most would probably love it.
In My Thirties…
I learned ballroom dancing and taught others how to ballroom dance, as well. I was so gentle when first learning to dance that one woman told me that I wasn’t going to “break her” and that I needed to use more force.
If you don’t know, the guy needs to use sufficient force when ballroom dancing, so she knows how long of a stride to take, and which directions she’s going.
I thought for sure that learning to dance would be fantastic for my wife.
I thought for sure that learning to dance would be fantastic for my wife. She wouldn’t have to suffer from having a husband that didn’t know how to dance.
Unfortunately, many women I met would rather dance next to someone, rather than together and following the man’s lead. What was even more tragic for me was that many of the weddings I’ve been invited to didn’t include ballroom style dancing.
After becoming a born-again Holy Spirit-filled Christian, I became very serious about the Lord and praying fervently. I also went to marriage classes as a single adult (the rest were couples).
“You went to marriage classes as a single adult?”
Yes. I wanted to be more prepared for marriage.
They discussed the hard situations giving personal details about their lives, explaining that God showed them how to resolve their problems.
Oh, and I thought I was ready to start pursuing women then. It still took me several years to learn how to love after becoming a Christian.
My (Failed) Pursuit of the Woman of My Dreams
I can remember walking up to gorgeous women. I would talk to one of them for a while, and then she’d say, “… and this is my boyfriend” as she motioned towards him with a smile.
I was still new to the church, and I didn’t know who was with who yet. Another time I found a lady that I’d like to get to know better (because she was beautiful). I saw that she was surrounded by women, but I didn’t let that stop me.
“I’m a man on a mission,” I thought to myself, “and I’m going to talk with her.”
As I approached her surrounded by all of these women, I overheard her say, “… and I just got my wedding dress!”
ABORT MISSION! I REPEAT! ABORT MISSION!
Then I took a sharp left turn and continued walking away.
There are many more crazy stories like this. I am happy for the couples, and I can laugh about it now. During the process of seeking “the woman of my dreams,” my soul felt like it curled up in the grave.
When I finally found women that I could talk with (that didn’t have boyfriends and weren’t being pursued), they would say they wished more people could be like me (Yes!)… but I wasn’t their type.
I had a lovely 4-bedroom house, a car, a stable job, had never used drugs, never drank alcohol, I was fit as a fiddle, and God finally touched my heart and showed me how He loves people… and how He loves people is beyond words. Then He taught me how to have a relationship with Him.
My Journey of Considering Marriage and Celibacy
A couple years later, it was late in the year 2014 when I started my journey of going through a free 120+ hour course on YouTube about the Kingdom of God. All I did was listen to it on the way to work, work, listen to it on the way home, watch the video at home and journal. I cut out everything else that was extra (games, movies, tv, girls, and a lot of time with friends).
This was an intensely personal time I had with the Lord.
This pattern lasted for about six months. It was during this time when I considered whether or not I wanted to marry or to remain celibate. I started thinking about it around February of 2015, until about August 2015.
On many occasions, I talked to God about marriage. I read about it in His word. I spoke to Him about it and what I liked and didn’t like about women. I asked Him many questions. I asked Him about particular women that I found attractive over the years to hear what He thought.
It was so fun to talk to God about women!
One time I asked Him why He made women… and He told me.
During my journey of considering marriage and celibacy, I grew deeper in my love for God. My soul found rest in Him, and not in women. My soul ached for Him. He became the treasure of my heart, my One desire, and women no longer hold a candle to His love. Women no longer satisfy me like they once did.
Then, I popped the question…
“God, would you give me grace for celibacy?”
He is so sweet.
He said, “You have it.”
I still cry when I remember this.
The Funniest and Craziest Stuff Happens When You Tell People You’re Celibate.
In my experience, women don’t like hearing that. Out of their selfish ambition they tend to: quote scriptures, introduce me to their girlfriends (or their daughters/granddaughters) to play matchmaker, pray that I find my future wife, say I haven’t found the right one yet, tell me that it’s not God’s time, that I’m selfish or that I’m missing out, and pull out all the girly stuff from their “closet of the world” to try and convince/seduce me otherwise.
What they’re really doing (when they do those things) is being led by the devil, trying to distract me from my pursuit of Jesus Christ. I’ve broken at least two hearts by turning them down (which they really broke their own heart, because they allowed me to become an idol in their life by wanting me to fulfill their need of having kids and physical pleasure).
Jesus may have to personally show up and ask/tell me to pursue someone and give me a revelation for me to change my mind.
What you’ve just read in the previous quote is a small part of a specific email I send to people that continue to harass me about being celibate.
Mothers have introduced their daughters and said, “I just wanted you two to meet.”
I think to myself, “Of course you did… just to meet.”
My female friends have asked me about women, and what I think about them.
“Apparently it’s now a challenge for them to get me married off.”
I’m so done with all of the shenanigans that people (mostly women) tell me and do now that they know I’m celibate.
The Good Stuff That Has Happened…
Jesus Has Danced With Me
I remember dancing in my kitchen as I was delighting myself in the Lord. My heart focused on Him and overflowed with love. I stretched out my hands, and I began to dance. It was a simple dance. No music was playing except the song in my heart.
At a certain point in the dance, I felt hands grip mine, and I knew then that He joined me. Joy is an understatement. My Lover has come to dance with me.
One time, He even told me how ballroom dancing related to the gospel. What a Lord!
Jesus Inspires Me to Write Psalms
Jesus has inspired me to write psalms.
Psalms differ from songs in that psalms don’t usually have a bridge or chorus.
It is the pouring out of the cry of my heart towards my Lover. Sometimes He wakes me up with psalms, and other times when I’m down, He gives me psalms. After I sing them from my heart, a mountain of kleenex has formed around me.
Jesus Caresses Me
Jesus caresses me in His presence. He is so gentle and powerful. He is kind even when He corrects me.
He has told me jokes, gives me the wisdom to guide people (and my own life), and mercy for my mistakes. He gives me the grace to overcome what tries to strangle my soul.
Questions and Answers…
Are you ever lonely?
Do you ever miss the embrace of a woman?
“I used to, but not anymore.”
Will you ever change your mind about celibacy?
“I don’t plan on it. As I’ve said, ‘Jesus may have to personally show up and ask/tell me to pursue someone and give me a revelation for me to change my mind.'”
What do you think about married couples and marriage in general? Are you against people getting married?
“Marriage is God ordained from the Garden of Eden. It’s beautiful. He tells us much about it, and the qualities of a good marriage in several books (Genesis, Proverbs, 1 Corinthians, Romans, Ephesians, and others). Just because I’m celibate doesn’t mean I’m against it. Many marital problems occur when God isn’t their primary focus, and they don’t inquire of Him, listen to Him, and heed His Voice on how to resolve the issues or if they should even marry the person. I’ve witnessed many healthy marriages.”
I’ve wept as I’ve written this. There are things too personal in my encounters with Jesus that I treasure in my heart that I don’t think I have the grace to share.
He is more lovely than words could ever dream of expressing. I hope you dig that out for yourself and have your own encounters with Him.